dudesweet: simply the best party in town

A party has finally come to lift my spirits up from all these horrible nights out in bars full of cheap hookers and DJs playing Nirvana. A proper party, a cool party, the kind of party I’d expect back home in my beloved Montreal.

Adam Ficek from Babyshambles was DJing. Franz Ferdinand, Blondie, Blue Monday, Blur: the music was so good I stopped trying to look cool and danced my ass off in the screaming mass. That’s the way a good party should be: so good your forget yourself.

The theme was “Made in the Kingdom of Siam”. You were supposed to dress up, but beats me if I know how to dress up like a Thai woman in the 1800s. Instead I dressed like a Montreal scenester from the year 2008. Some people had rocking costumes, with gold fingernails and sarongs and safari hats and neru collared silk shirts. There were a lot of expensive accents, (from the Thai kids educated abroad, the dek inter) and not too much irony. Thai scenesters aren’t slobby and pudgy like our scenesters, they’re cute and neat like a pin. It works.

The best part was a one hour retrospective of Thai music from the 1800s on. This bored me to death, frankly, since I had no childhood associations with any of the stuff. However, all the Thais went crazy as the DJ cued up toothpaste commercial songs from when they were 5 years old, and songs their mother used to sing to them as babies. It was fantastic to see Thais take some pride in their own culture for a change instead of reaching for the nearest 50 cent album and a pair of Nikes. I tried to learn some Issan dance moves but everyone laughed at me.

You can tell Dudesweet is a party that people wait for all month: there is palpable and contagious excitement in crowd, and a sense of release, of finally, party time is here.

Hands down, Dudesweet is the best party in town. Don’t miss it.

picky jerkface judges a book by its cover

You’re lost and hungry in a strange city, looking for a good place to eat. How do you find one? Fuck guidebooks. Those things are out-of-date before they are even printed. Let other suckers flock to what the writer thought was good six months ago, when she last breezed through town. You can be smug and superior with the satisfaction of discovering all the best spots before anyone else: the hidden gems, the rising stars, what’s good now.

I know within minutes of setting eyes on a restaurant if it has any chance of being good, and here’s how:

Go to anything that has a long lineup, unless it’s Sizzler or similar tourist rubbish. This rarely fails. Some of my best finds were made this way.

Is it busy? A good restaurant has a buzz. Customers look happy, most of them have food in front of them, or finished plates. If you see a lot of people frowning, looking at watches, no food in the front of them — avoid. They’ve been waiting too long for their food.

Is it empty? — avoid. A good place might be empty outside of peak hours, but if it’s 8pm on a Friday Night, and there’s no one around, either it just opened or it sucks.

Is it focused? A good restaurant makes one kind of food well. The menu is short, to-the-point. They know what they’re good at, and they do it. Confused restaurants make bad food. You can recognize them because they have menus that read like a novels, they serve nonsense like Tex-mex Thai fusion, or they do inexplicable things like blare football matches in sushi restaurants.

Is it local? Local food has a better chance of being good, because the staff grew up eating the stuff, fresh ingredients are at hand, and people know what it’s supposed to taste like. The obvious exception is places with strong immigrant communities, like say, San Francisco and Chinese food.

Do you feel a sense of pride? The first thing I saw when I walked into the Chinese restaurant was a dead lobster floating upside down in a murky fish tank. Fancy some lobster fried rice? In a good restaurant, someone notices the little details. Tableclothes are clean, plants are alive, not wilting, the air smells good, someone greets you when you come in. You feel like someone is on the ball. If you can get a handle on this elusive quality, you can spot the rising stars before everyone else: it might be new, it might be empty, but if they have pride, and the food is good, the customers will come.

Bon appetit, my little food snobs.

picky jerkface goes to dudesweet

Dudesweet is where all the Thai cool kids are hanging out. There is a need to put on one’s most pretentious outfit and go check out the scenesters.

As a denizen of le Plateau Mont-Royal, I am curious to see how indie scenesterness translates to Bangkok.

Will there be girls riding bicycles in high heeled shoes?

Will there be sweaters on dogs?

Will everyone and their hairdresser be in a band that sucks? (Actually, my Montreal hairdresser is in a great band — Pony up!)

Will there be irony?

Will there be slutty young men who are confused about their sexuality?

Picky jerkface will report back.

best of bangkok: supermarkets

Best Farang Supermarket in Bangkok: basement floor of Siam Paragon. It has an enormous selection of EVERYTHING: meats, cheese, fish, bakery, frozen things, and everything is FRESH. (BTS: Siam)

Unlike Villa, at least the two branches at Ari BTS, which usually smell bad, and have dodgy looking fish and meat section.

Second best, my vote goes to the grocery section of Central Chitlom, which again has an amazing selection, organic food, cool flours, chocolate, baking things, everything fresh. Oh, except maybe avoid buying pre-made sandwiches: they look delicious but they are DISGUSTING. (BTS: Chitlom)

What is your favorite Bangkok supermarket?

mes petites addresses: Siam Ruay Midi Craft shop, JJ market

Mr. Chaiyong at Siam Ruay Midi shop

If you’re interested in graphic design, or just looking for cool and original Thailand souvenirs, check out Siam Ruay Midi Craft shop at Chatujak market.

Siam Ruay’s owner and designer, Mr. Phairoj, loves the Thai alphabet. He designed a line of original t-shirts and other items based on the beautiful characters of the Thai alphabet.

His warm-hearted brother, Mr. Chaiyong, welcomed me to their shop and explained how Thai children have their own version of our “abcdefg” song to help them memorize the 44 consonants of the Thai alphabet. Opening a copy of a children’s alphabet primer, he read “Gaw Gai (Gai is a chicken) , Kaw Kai (Kai is an egg), …” His brother’s designs are based on each character and their associated word.

He also sells clever hankerchiefs, cushions covers and copy of Thai alphabet primers. You can see the complete collection on the store’s blog.

S i a m R u a y - M i d i S h o p

Section # 24 Soi 51/2 Jatujak Weekend Market
open : Sat & Sun , 10:00 am - 6 :00 pm
TEL : 085 907 4954 : Kun Roj / house : 02 433 1581 : Kun Kheng+

e-mail : siamruay@yahoo.com

safety tips for women in Thailand

People think Thailand is a scary place. but I was sexually harassed more in the Computer Science department than living in Bangkok on a street lined with brothels for Thai men. If you use your common sense, you’ll avoid most problems.

* Dress modestly. You’ll get more respect, and you’ll avoid problems. This just means skirts or shorts at down to your knees, sleeves that cover your shoulders. You can get away skimpier outfits in Bangkok and the beaches, but when I see a girl wearing a bikini top in MBK, I cringe on behalf of all womankind. You wouldn’t wear that in the mall at home, would you?

* Get a Thai sim for your mobile phone. If you have to take taxis late at night, talk on your phone so the driver knows someone knows where you are.

* Don’t get drunk or high with people you don’t trust. Frankly, Thailand is not a place to get high at all.
* Avoid taking taxis alone at night, especially if you’re drunk. If you have to take taxis alone, in Bangkok avoid the yellow-and-green ones (operated by independants who lend their car to friends), and go with the solid colored ones, owned by companies. Don’t sit in the front seat next to the driver, sit in the back. If you’re are going clubbing in a sexy outfit, bring a shawl to cover up on the ride home.

* It’s unacceptable for Thai men to touch women they don’t know, foreign or Thai. A Thai woman would be extremely offended if a strange Thai man touched her.

* Don’t walk alone in small sois (side streets) at night. Even if you don’t get harrassed, there’s a good chance you’ll get bitten by a stray dog. There are tons of them in the small streets, and they get territorial at night.

* Beaches and islands are more dangerous than cities. Whenever I read something really horrible happened to a tourist, it’s usually on an island. Don’t walk around on remote beaches late at night by yourself. Even if no one is lurking, there’s a lot of stray dogs on the beach. In the day they are lazy, but at night they get territorial and can bite people.

* Trust your gut feeling. This is the most important thing. if something feels unsafe, even if you don’t really know why — get out of there. Your intuition often knows something is wrong before your conscious mind does.

where to find in bangkok: best yoga classes

Bangkok has two major English-language yoga studios: Yoga Elements and Absolute Yoga.

My favorite studio here in Bangkok is Yoga Elements.

Style: mostly Ashtanga
BTS: Chitlom
Price: first class free if you live in BKK, after 500B/class. They have passes and unlimited deals too. You can get really good deals if you sign up for their email newsletter (they often have 3000B/m unlimited deals)
Good: Free snacks after class! Very professional teachers, students are serious about yoga, some have been with the studio for years, they often host workshops for visiting yoga “celebrities”. There’s also Mos Burger around the corner. :-)
Bad: the changing rooms can get really crowded.
Clientele
: people who are serious about yoga: expat teachers, older farang men, Thai women, Japanese women, dancers. Everyone is friendly and sociable.

Recommended if: you have injuries, you’re serious about yoga, you are looking for a funky, down-to-earth, professional studio.

Absolute Yoga (Amarin Plaza): This used to be my yoga studio, but I stopped going once they hiked up their prices to 700B/class (what is this, Tokyo?)

Style: Ashtanga flow and hot yoga.
BTS: Chitlom
Price: 700B/class (no free trial class), they have passes and unlimited deals.
Good: the lockers rooms are the best thing about this studio: swank, fancy showers and huge piles of white fluffy towels, saunas, free toiletries, the whole deal. It makes suffering during class easier. There’s a skywalk from the BTS. Lots of eye candy. (see clientele)
Bad: Teachers aren’t very good at dealing with injuries or modifying poses, which isn’t too bad if you’re already in great shape. Feels more trendy than professional.
Clientele:  Yoga fags and Thai hi-so women =  a lot of a eye candy to stare at, and is probably a great place to pick up if you’re also a yoga fag.

This studio is for you if: you like the lap of luxury, you have too much money, you like trendy things and hot people, you inexplicably want to do yoga in a room heated to 37 degrees in a 40 degree city like Bangkok.

picky jerkface really wants to eat some hummus

When I feel like eating hummus and getting sexually harrassed by Bangkok’s Nigerian population, I head down to Bangkok’s little Africa.

Hummus is a quest here. You don’t find it on every street corner and there’s an ordeal involved.

First, you have to get off at Nana BTS station, and wade your way through the herds of omg-do-they-hate-eyes sex tourists (these guys are on the way to Nana) and beauty-and-the-beast couples (those guys have already been to Nana). Then you walk about 10 blocks down to Suk 3, which sounds like no sweat, unless these are ten blocks in a Bangkok tourist area. One good crowd parting strategy is to pick one particular fat sex tourist and follow in his slipstream like dolphins behind a ship.

As a bonus, you can observe gangs of deaf-mute street vendors flashing sign language at each other from stall to stall, probably talking even more trash about foreigners than is normal for Thai salespeople.

Sometimes, it’s not good to understand Thai.

When it starts to smell like rosewood, and all the men around you are learing openly instead of covertly, you’re there. Under no circumstances should you make ANY eye contact with any male on lower Suk, unless you want to be followed around all night. One guy once followed me for a full 5 blocks.

Then you have to brave the incredibly rude service, from a combination of Middle-Eastern guys and Thai staff who look like they die a little bit inside every day. Bugs will probably fall into your food. Bugs might come with your food. There will be football on, and lots of men smoking, and probably no women. Men will scowl at you with looks on their faces that mean “how dare this brazen prostitute come in here alone and eat hummus!”

But when the hummus comes, it’s almost worth it.

overheard in bkk

guy: Usually you can barely here the bass here, and now it’s amazing. What happened?

DJ: Oh, I found a switch that said “subwoofer”.

spike night at club culture: more depressing than goths

Hearing a bad DJ spin is like having sex with someone that sucks. You’re all into whatever they’re doing, and suddenly they switch to something else that’s no good. They have no empathy. They leave you hanging. They don’t know how to build up anticipation. Or worst of all, you feel like they’re wanking off with an audience — the whole experience is one giant ode to their dick.

No one was dancing when we arrived at Spike Night, described on the flyer as “electronic goth”, with Spike and DJ Andrea. I was there to see Andrea, but Spike was the first to play. 3 of us jumped onto the dance floor when Andrea came on, which was 3 more than were there before. We dance for a few experimental tracks, then Spike came back on and put on something completely different, which sucked, and everyone sat down again. How can a DJ fail to get a message like this? He then proceeded to play to an entirely empty dance floor for the rest of the evening.

I can understand wanting to push the envelope and introduce Bangkok crowds to something new. It would take a while to build up a following. But when I see someone DJ like this, I don’t feel like I’m seeing something avant-garde as much as I’m seeing someone who doesn’t give a shit about his audience and what they might enjoy.

Fortunately, unlike sex, with bad DJs you’re never tempted to pretend that you’re into so it will end sooner, you can just get up and go home.

I came home and listened to Metric’s “Soft Rock Star” and I ate a tuna fish sandwich and I feel better already.